Laying Down Fears

I suddenly woke up earlier today, much too earlier for work, because I was waking myself up from a heartache. I was having a terrible dream and it had felt real. A few days ago, a friend asked me how I was feeling now that I'm back in the US after my month-long vacation. I said, vulnerable.

Of course, he said.

I fear a lot of things, the very long wait notwithstanding. I fear what the time and distance will do to us. The day-to-day things that we will miss about each other; the details that make up our individual lives. I fear I cannot be around all the time to witness your life as it happens. I will only hear of the aftermath, when your day is over and mine has just begun. I won't be there to see your daily success and blunders, when you need to tell someone of a good news or when you've had a bad day. I won't be there when you wake up and when you sleep. I will miss a lot of things and a lot of events in your life. I will miss seeing the world through your eyes, listening to you talk or laugh as you tell your stories, of things you've seen or watched or encountered, of things from your past, your family, friends and the world around you. I fear what this absence can cause us.

I fear how the distance can make us complacent about us; how we might get used to not being together, each with separate lives, uncertain how to coexist and become one when the time comes. I fear how changes will change us. I fear these things because I love you so much and I don't want to lose you because we've grown apart, not just geographically but emotionally.

When I think about June and how happy I was, I want more of that, more of that with you, not in short bursts of happiness, but one that lasts a lifetime.