Have I ever told you how, everyday, I'm amazed by what we have and how you've stuck with me? How you've chosen to love me when I'm so far away and there are thousands of single gay guys better than me around you. I don't know, but sometimes in my idle moments I think about that. I think about the why--why me instead of somebody else, perhaps somebody else a lot nearer to you. Why me instead of someone hotter, richer, wiser, and better in a million ways than I could ever be.
When I think about us, I'm grateful that you have found me; grateful beyond words that you love me. It's one of those things I wish we could have--a long life together, because I'd like to spend the rest of my days and all of my life showing you how much I love you and how much I appreciate the things you have done to me. You're amazing and what we have is amazing because of you. :-)
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Everything and Nothing
I don't know if it was because there were those few days when you weren't able to go online or because I haven't seen you in any form since your Internet went kaput and I haven't seen a picture of you in Facebook, because I have abstained from logging in. But this is one of those times that I miss you terribly. Sometimes, I catch myself daydreaming and pressing time forward to that day when I will be with you, but I stop myself because I'm afraid something might happen and I had put so much of us already into daydreams.
Time is so relative and I remember a book I've read a long time ago, Einstein's Dreams, that posits how time feels different to everyone. Like how time seems to stretch endlessly right now, but when I look at the schedule we have made when I go home there seems to be no time at all to do everything we want nor even go to all the places we want to. Pearl Farm was abandoned and Bali, too. And, so far, we only have one tentative night to meet all your friends. Time right now seems so expansive until May ends and then it would feel so condensed. If only time could be hurried up when waiting then paused when the moment's perfect.
I was listening to Maroon 5's live version of Alicia Keys' If I Ain't Got You while I was driving home and it hit me perfectly. I'm actually in the land of milk and honey; I'm living some people's American Dream. I've got a job that pays good enough. I can get the latest, the greatest, the best of technology and fashion. I can have everything that people want, but everything means nothing if I ain't got you.
Time is so relative and I remember a book I've read a long time ago, Einstein's Dreams, that posits how time feels different to everyone. Like how time seems to stretch endlessly right now, but when I look at the schedule we have made when I go home there seems to be no time at all to do everything we want nor even go to all the places we want to. Pearl Farm was abandoned and Bali, too. And, so far, we only have one tentative night to meet all your friends. Time right now seems so expansive until May ends and then it would feel so condensed. If only time could be hurried up when waiting then paused when the moment's perfect.
I was listening to Maroon 5's live version of Alicia Keys' If I Ain't Got You while I was driving home and it hit me perfectly. I'm actually in the land of milk and honey; I'm living some people's American Dream. I've got a job that pays good enough. I can get the latest, the greatest, the best of technology and fashion. I can have everything that people want, but everything means nothing if I ain't got you.
Sunday, February 13, 2011
I love you.
Thank you for loving me. Maybe someday, one day, the i-love-yous will be less and it'll lose its intensity. But its meaning will remain. It's you I love. Not the version of who you are now, but simply you, what inexplicably makes you who you are and different from everyone I've ever met and been with.
Sometimes it scares me because it feels so much like the ever after already. And when I see the stretch of time that we'll be together, I wonder if I'll ever be enough for you. I'm hardly the most exciting and interesting person. I've been known to cure insomnia and make mute men talk. But I guess I'll just be the silent part of you. The one you can run to when the world and your life becomes too noisy and unbearable. I'll be that shoulder you lean on when you're too drunk to walk straight, drive you home when you can't find the car key in your pocket. Hold your hand and hug you when you're too frazzled and overwhelmed by work and the minutiae of daily life . I'll be that post-it when you've forgotten schedules and appointments like taking your bath.
I won't be able to tell you what to do when you're between choices and decisions, but I can guide you through your options and help you weigh the pros and cons. At the least, I will listen. What you're saying and what you're not saying. What you say you don't want and what you really need.
I cannot promise you a very exciting life. But I can give you a love that's as wild and open to whatever lies ahead. It will have its ups and downs, a whole lot of waiting for things to happen, and maybe some very rough roads. I'll hold on to us when the ground starts shaking. I'll remember our very first moments and I'll go back to this when I love you more than the air I breathe.
Sometimes it scares me because it feels so much like the ever after already. And when I see the stretch of time that we'll be together, I wonder if I'll ever be enough for you. I'm hardly the most exciting and interesting person. I've been known to cure insomnia and make mute men talk. But I guess I'll just be the silent part of you. The one you can run to when the world and your life becomes too noisy and unbearable. I'll be that shoulder you lean on when you're too drunk to walk straight, drive you home when you can't find the car key in your pocket. Hold your hand and hug you when you're too frazzled and overwhelmed by work and the minutiae of daily life . I'll be that post-it when you've forgotten schedules and appointments like taking your bath.
I won't be able to tell you what to do when you're between choices and decisions, but I can guide you through your options and help you weigh the pros and cons. At the least, I will listen. What you're saying and what you're not saying. What you say you don't want and what you really need.
I cannot promise you a very exciting life. But I can give you a love that's as wild and open to whatever lies ahead. It will have its ups and downs, a whole lot of waiting for things to happen, and maybe some very rough roads. I'll hold on to us when the ground starts shaking. I'll remember our very first moments and I'll go back to this when I love you more than the air I breathe.
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